I don't wish I could forget her. I wish I could forget what I put her through. I wish I could forget the mistakes I made that ultimately ended our friendship.
Unfortunately, there are a few things I wish I could forget.
There is the saying "forgive and forget". I took that to mean forgive someone for what they did and if you truly forgive them you will forget it. Other people have taken it to mean forgive someone and then forget about them completely.
I met Courtney when I was in 4th grade. We went to the same church and she was in my grade. We played a few times but we didn't become close until junior high. Courtney and I had sleepover together all the time. We would watch TGIF (I miss tgif! boy meets world, Sabrina the teenage witch!) and talk to people on AIM. We would sleep in sleeping bags in her living room. She and I wrote notes to each other so often that we decided to get a notebook and decorate it and then pass it back and forth to each other. I miss that. I miss telling someone EVERYTHING and them telling me.
In 8th or 9th grade we met Kelci and Aubrie. We all started hanging out, especially after we turned 14. We went to stake dances together. We hung out all the time. One of my all time favorite memories from my teenage years was the youth conference when we were together at the Goade's house. We went tp-ing, took belly dancing lessons, used self-tanner, got chased by the police because we had water guns and a neighbor thought they were real guns. It was so much fun. I miss girls camp. There are too many good memories from all those years as well.
Courtney and I roomed together at EFY. I loved going to EFY with her. It was the best to be there with your best friend. I met Evan at that EFY... and that's when things started to change.
I began typing out what happened next, but in all honesty, it's gotten so convoluted over the years that I don't want to say something that is not true. I really do wish I could forget it.
Basically, I began seeing Courtney's ex-boyfriend while Evan was in Cambodia. A few months prior, Evan and I turned 16 and decided that we would be boyfriend and girlfriend, but he prefaced our agreement by saying that he didn't want to be "steady" and that we should go on dates with other people. While Evan was in Cambodia I saw this other guy a few times and we kissed and I felt really wrong about it. I knew I was doing something wrong. I tried to make excuses for it but I knew I was wrong. I ended up destroying our relationship. I ended up getting really really hurt by that guy. He took advantage of me the worst ways. I kept going back to it until I was in danger. That's when I realized I was left with nothing. It took me a few months to gain back the trust of some people. But Courtney was different.
We didn't talk for a very long time. I dated a few other guys and then I started dating another one of her ex-boyfriends. He and I dated for a little over a year. During the summer I went to my last year of girl's camp. Courtney was there, of course, and I wasn't sure what this year was going to be like. The other 5 years we hung out all the time during the week. I stayed close to Aubrie or Kelci and tried to stay out of the way. I didn't want a confrontation. It worked for most of the week. On testimony night I was at my ward's campsite and Courtney appeared from out of the trees. She asked me to come with her and we walked away from the group. I didn't know what to expect and I was blindsided when she grabbed me and pulled me close to her and just hugged me. She started sobbing and said she was sorry. I started sobbing and I said I was sorry. That was one of the best nights of my life. I felt like the weight of the world was lifted from me. I had my best friend back.
We remained friends for most of the school year. Not as close as we were before but it was better than nothing. Then Courtney took Adam to General Conference and while he was there he broke up with me. I was an irrational teenager and automatically assumed that they did something. I still don't know what happened on that trip and I don't care. Long story short, I once again lost everything.
There were a few weeks where she and I were close again but once again, a guy came into the mix. I'm not going to go into that one because it is too personal. All I will say is at the end of it all she told me it was over for good. And it was. We no longer had church, girls camp, efy, or high school to bring us together.
I feel terrible for all the accusations I threw at her. I feel terrible for taking our friendship for granted. I've hated myself for years for what I did to her.
Like I said before, I don't wish I could forget her. I wish I could forget what I put her through. I wish I could forget the mistakes I made that ultimately ended our friendship.
This summer it will be five years since I have seen Courtney. I tried to talk to her a couple years ago but I was turned down. In the past five years I've changed more than I have in my entire life. The creepy thing is, Courtney is in my dreams. Probably about two or three times a week. I don't know why. I know things will never be the same. She and I may continue to never talk. All I know is that I will always have memories of my best friend and I will always miss her and I will most definitely never forget her.
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